FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:

1. No one but their creator understands their logic.
   
2. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
   
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
   
4. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
   
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Here's a list of computer viruses that will have your machine in stiches:

• POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
  
• OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
  
• ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
  
• GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
  
• NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
  
• ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
  
• AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in London, but your data is in Manchester.
  
• STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
  
• HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for £2,000.
  
• ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

You know you are addicted to the internet when..

• You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
  
• Your bookmarks take 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
  
• Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
  
• You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
  
• Your night dreams are in HTML.
  
• You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  
• You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
  
• You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
  
• Your dog has its own home page.
  
• You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yes, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is *not* a virus.

Computer helpline calls. Why we should feel sorry for tech support people:

* Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

* I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

* Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

* I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

* Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."

* Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

* Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Microsoft's Finest Technician

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honour Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat// Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy| /yum~yum:-) gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

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Take a look also at our new Humour Resource Development page.

TrainingZONE  04-Sep-00
Categories:  IT Training
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Number of comments: 7

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Kathleen Miller , 10 May 2006 @ 18:44 PM  Worth a chuckle! Sent to me by a friend, ok not the best but worth a smile - Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer. Kathleen Miller

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Robin T Cox , 05 September 2000 @ 18:51 PM  A Better Mouse Trap (Illustrating the Effect of Training) The warehouse manager was mightily relieved when the salesman called with his latest proposition. "This is our latest model - the Mouse Trap - that will catch all of your mice. Just put some cheese on the spike in the box, and then the mouse will smell the cheese, put his nose inside, and while reaching for the cheese get his head cut off by the razor blade situated just past the hole in the box." "Splendid," said the warehouse manager, "I'll take 100." Six months later, the salesman called again. "This is our updated version of the mouse trap. Mouse Trap Mark II. Same as last time, except that the operating costs are less. No spike in the box. And instead of a razor blade, a hacksaw blade." The warehouse manager was intrigued. "How does it work?" he asked. "Well, it's simple. The mouse puts its nose in the box, looking for the cheese. But there is no cheese this time. It looks left, and looks right, and rubs its throat across the hacksaw blade. You can work out the rest!"

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Franck Lynch , 05 September 2000 @ 16:35 PM  Another 2 reasons why computers are female Another 2 reasons why computers are female Firstly they forget nothing you tell them. Secondly they have to live all their lives making use of a 3.5 inch floppy!!!!! Franck Lynch

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keith bryan , 04 September 2000 @ 14:13 PM  IBM Mouse Balls This is apparently an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote this was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny. _________________________________________________________________ Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturers of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items. To re-order, specify one of the following: P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls keith bryan

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keith bryan , 04 September 2000 @ 12:59 PM  What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Training Manuals? What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Training Manuals? Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! You can't say this? What a shame sir! We'll find you Another game sir. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom! keith bryan

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Cecilia Bingham , 31 August 2000 @ 14:12 PM  A new kind of virus E-mail message: Oregon Webfoot Virus You have just received the "Oregon Webfoot Virus"!!! Since we Oregon Ducks don't have any programming experience, this Virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and manually forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.

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Cecilia Bingham , 31 August 2000 @ 14:04 PM  Computer error messages - haiku A small selection from the computer-error haiku that are around: Three things are certain: death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. A file that big? It might be very useful, but now it is gone. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. The code was willing. It considered your request, but the chips were weak. Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? This site has been moved. We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you.