A Day In The Life Of A Computer Trainer
by Paul Clothier
It was on a Monday morning,
With briefcase in my hand.
I strode into the training room,
My class so nicely planned.
The clock above said half past eight,
The class would start at nine.
I thought I'd check the software out,
And make sure all was fine.
The class today was Word Six-O,
I double-clicked the screen.
The hour glass persisted there,
What could this omen mean?
Perhaps the software's incomplete,
Or worse, with bugs and glitches!
But then I came to realize,
We had 386s!
Oh my God - I could see it then,
How long it may well take.
We'd double-click an icon,
Then have to take a break.
At nine fifteen they all arrived,
Complained about the heating.
Then someone said, "I'll leave at ten,"
"I'm needed in a meeting."
"Keep quite calm," I tried to think,
"Don't get into a state.
Don't start your heavy breathing,
Or you'll hyper-ventilate."
"So everyone's used Windows before,
You've changed a border size?"
"You know the drop-down menus,
And how to maximize?"
They all stared at me blankly,
Then one brave soul spoke out.
"What is all this Window stuff,
That you keep talking about?"
And then my heart began to sink,
Perhaps its just a dream.
"What happened to prerequisites!"
I very nearly screamed.
"So everyone has used a mouse?"
I hoped with eyebrows raised.
No answer was the stern reply,
Just expressions that were glazed.
"Is this what you're referring to?"
Some guy began to say.
"I wondered what the heck that was,
I threw my one away!"
By half past ten theyd learned to drag,
Their mouse skills very slick.
At this rate close to lunch time,
They'd learn to double-click.
Eleven o'clock as we gathered speed,
They were working on their own.
And then the pagers began to beep,
And they rushed out to the phone.
By lunch time - just three students left,
They were almost having fun.
And then someone looked up and said,
"Do we have to be back at one?"
"You see I have to fix my car,
Then go and feed the pup.
If I come back late at two or three,
Could you help and catch me up?"
He was lucky to get out alive,
'Cause my pulse began to race.
I wanted to tear him limb from limb,
Or slap him in the face.
Yes, I know its not the thing to do,
To lose your peace of mind.
But patience and compassion then,
Were very hard to find.
You see I've read the self-help books,
I know how to behave.
But when the stuff is in your face,
Its nice to rant and rave.
So prompt at one and primed to teach,
I stood before the bunch.
Then noticed only three were there,
The rest were still at lunch.
When finally they all arrived,
And shuffled to their places.
They looked toward the other screens,
With frowns upon their faces.
"Catch me up - what did I miss?"
A latecomer shouted out.
"You teachers always go too fast,"
She stated with a pout.
Later on at half-past-two,
We started tabs and tables.
I wandered round to give some help,
And stopped to look at Mabel's.
Mabel's screen was a little different,
From others in that class.
There was no sign of Word Six-O
Just a little hour glass.
"I didn't want to tell you, but,
It's been like that since one",
"I didn't want to interrupt,
Or upset anyone."
"You see I only took this class",
She whispered in my ear.
"To make the boss get off my back,
That's the reason I am here".
"So please dont worry if I learn,
The margins and the fonts.
You see, to know I'm sitting here,
Is all he really wants."
So I wandered on to Harry's desk,
Before I lost my cool.
Before I throttled Mabel,
And dragged her off her stool.
Harry's work was looking good,
He seemed to be doing fine.
Hope sprang eternal from my breast,
His tabs were all in line!
But though the words were all lined up,
And stopped at the right places.
They weren't all lined up with tabs,
But all lined up with spaces.
And then aloud from next to me,
So everyone could hear.
The large, abrupt, aggressive guy,
Then shouted in my ear...
"What do I do with this stupid file,
If I want to save it now?"
"This stupid book don't tell me that,
So come and show me how?"
"Well let's look at the menu bar,
And stop and look and read."
"Which word up there best describes,
The feature that you need?"
"Look 'ere Teach - just tell me this"
Before I get some stress."
"I don't want explanations,
Just tell me what to press!"
"'Cause whenever I ask a question,
So I can press a key."
"You just repeat my question,
Then you throw it back at me!"
At four they flicked the power off,
While they were still in Word.
"OK if we go now?",
Was the only phrase I heard.
I handed out the evals,
They sighed, then deep in thought.
They said, "What was the name..."
"Of the class that you just taught?"
